Sunday, October 21, 2012

First date... Don't put your foot in your mouth!

One of the most difficult tings about a first is establishing a conversation that sparks the interest for both parties. Most of the time when you go in a first date your instinct tells you to talk about something that "you think is going to make you look interesting", but most of the time it won't... chances are it'll make you look. cocky  annoying, boring or stupid. Occasionally the other person can fake interest but don't get fooled by her attention to whatever you are talking about, she will be locking at you but thinking how to get the hell out.

I'll say that the best way to go is talking about something that it may be interesting for both of you. For instance you can make a comment about the place or venue where you decided to meet,  the food,  or music. A comment like that can spark an answer and from there you just have to pull the conversation. Eventuality you will say something about your personal life because that is something that is inevitable. Si it is alright to to say something about you're own persona because after all you are there to get to know each other. So, if you say "there is a person at work that... etc" chances are she or he is going to ask "what do you do? ". It is correct to say what the company you work for does or what kind of professional work you do,  but try not to get to deep into that, avoid making your conversation a job interview. You can say " I am a lawyer or I work for GM or I am in construction and that's it. Don't elaborate, keep it short and simple, give her or him a taste of  that part of your but live the rest for a better occasion. Eventually, over time and contact with each other you are going to know those details.
There is a big reward in getting out of your comfort zone. It is advisable that both get out of the comfort zone! If you do that you'll be able to show the real you,  without pretensions and perceive the other person the same way. It is natural to humans to pretend something they are not or try to make look themselves bigger than they really are. So,  a neutral place will give honesty to your date,  and honesty is a good place to start.
We all have skeletons in the closet, so, live them there. don't bring to conversation anything you don feel comfortable elaborating about. Keeping things for yourself doesn't make you a liar, eventually everything will come out but at the appropriate time. Now, kissing or having sex on first date is a matter of perception, but in suggesting it eighty percent of the time you will end up with your foot inside of your mouth, and ninety percent of the time there is not cumming out of that situation, Chances are it won be a second date.

             So, I followed all those rules when I went out on a date couple weeks ago.  I met a person I really like and found interesting and attractive. We went out for dinner and basically it was an introductory conversation since neither one of us knew anything of the other. Like in most first dates you can cover only so much of the field but that's is fine since it leaves you hungry for more.
After coming back home I sent her a brief text to establish the ground for a second date. Next day she called me... great conversation. Next day she didn't call me but we exchange couple text messages... all good. Next day a decided to call her. She didn't answer but sent me a text saying that it was in a class at school and she call me right after her class on her way home.

It was then that it clicked in my head that she works, goes to school and has a family while me on the other hand work a full time work but other than that I am a free man. Don't take me wrong, I do a lot of things like computer programming, oil painting and writing and blogging, but I decide how organize my time. She on the other hand has to stick to a schedule that it is decided by others.
So, when she call back, after a long conversation before saying goodnight I say "Listen! I understand you are very busy and I don't want to call you when you have things to do... would it be better if you call me when you have time?" She said "yes"... I knew, the moment I put the phone down that I have put my foot in my mouth. I realized that what I wanted to say came out completely wrong and there was a need o a major fixing.
Next day she didn't call and when I sent her a text her reply was something like "ok". The they after I text her asking her if she could call me and her answer was "No, is ok" then I knew it was over. That somehow I managed to kill my chance  if any. Needless to say that she didn't call back.

   Should she had call me back I would have said:
    last night when we talked I said something that came out the wrong way. I didn't meant to say 'if you don't have time for dating it'll be another time'. What I meant to say was that I understand you don't have much time to spare and I can work around those corners as long as you really give the time you have available' I would have say "I am really interested in getting to know you but I don't want to be a nuisance by getting into you life like that' That all I wanted to do was sound supportive of whatever she was doing and that I was very glad we met... But I didn't have the chance since she never call.

So, be very careful. weigh every word you say, every gesture... because once you put your foot in your mouth there is not pulling it out.

l'll finish with a poem by a Mexican author who I don't remember:

                       Dicen que el amor
                          Tiene altas y bajas
                           Ayer te vi pasar con una alta....
                                                                  Ya entendi

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why I can't find anyone?

To Ryan
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship . . ."

... "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

                                 The Little Prince
                                               Antoine de Saint ExupĂ©ry

One of the big problems about love is that you never seem to find it. There is a scene in the movie "Fatal Attraction" were Alex Forrest (Glen Close) Tells Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) "Why is that every interesting man is already married". That seems to be the problem that every single person faces when searching for love... they find the ideal person just to find out that she or he has a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they wonder 'why is she or he with that looser'. In reality it doesn't have to be a loser, but most of the time that's how the other person perceives it.

I think of my friend Ryan. He needs to understand that "All is fair in war and love", that being a good friend very rarely brings a relationship other than friendship. That in order to catch a fish you have to throw the lure first... girls they don't like good guys, but interesting ones... the only use they have for good guys is as friends. 

So, the first step is to make your persona more interesting.  Some people play sports but if sports is not your thing then you have to become a connoisseur of something. The second place in the popularity list is music, so playing an instrument is going to gain you some cookie points. No! Not the french horn or the timbales, maybe the guitar or the piano or even the sax. Next in the list would be to play the "Intellectual", a  the guy that reads and writes... any of those is ok, what is not ok is to look weak, to look like the guy that all the girls want to be friends with. Do not be their confident, they are going to use your shoulder to cry over other guys and since they are going to be very busy crying on your shoulder they'll never have the chance to look at you.

  The most common problem one faces when trying to approach someone we like is our inability to talk. We expect the other person to notice our interest and respond to our shy advances... but here is where we have a problem. We cannot expect the other person to respond to our advances because she (or he) are in the understanding that we are just friends, She has a boyfriend and maybe she even loves him. and she doesn't know what you want, or what are your intentions.

So, the road to succeed is very simple: make sure she knows what your intentions are., meaning that you like her and want to date her. Make sure you are the kind of person she would put her eyes on... If she likes the football players but all you play is the piano... is not going to happen. don't be her confident because first she is going to ask you if she should dump her boyfriend, and then if she should date your best friend, ignoring completely the fact that you are interested in her.

Many woman crave attention and will push you to say something you are not ready to say... Don't say "I Love You" until the relationship is mature, before that it's just going to ruin everything you have built... even if it is truth that you love her.

Finally, be ready to loose the fight. If she really only sees you as a friend, I am sure that the friendship is going to die when she realize that you want something more than to be friends... She won't look at you the same way anymore... Ever!. You are going to pretend to be friends for a while, but you should know that is over. If it comes to that, move on and find somebody else... she would be gone anyway..

The good news: I think you are the kind of guy she really wants and she struggles... you just have to show her the way and let things happen... just remeber that there is only one chance, don't waste it!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Searching for... Marriage or Good time? Part 2

What is good for me

    And here we are again, talking about what it will be to find the perfect match. Most of the time, we all know by experience, we can't get what we want. Either because we all look at the most popular person in our surroundings (call it school, work, neighborhood, building, church, etc.) or we have developed an idea of what we want based on the life or appearance  of celebrities or the books they have red and the movies they have watched. All that makes their perfect match just to perfect... not to say unreachable. To get that person you have to fight against all the alphas, and probably you have to be one in order to win.

What do I have to offer:

    So now, the question is what do I have to offer? What is my net worth. To use an analogy let's think of somebody that decides that it needs some new shoes. That is the first step, to realize that there is a need, named shoes.  Now that person has to stop and think, just any shoes? do I need shoes to go to work or to hike or to run? Do I need shoes to be in style? Do they have to be durable, do they need to be  a brand name?. Now that I decided what kind of shoes I want to by I have to think what can I afford? are the shoes I want in my price range. Because everything boils down to what we have to offer. If I go to the cashier and extend a 10 dollar bill for a 100 dollar pair of shoes, the cashier is going to give me the looks like "Hey! I need 90 dollars more! If I say "that is all I have!" he will snatch the shoes from my hands and send me home to get more money. Just because I don't have enough money exchange for that pair of shoes! Whether those shoes sit your feet, or go with your style is matter of another paragraph. right now we only want to know if you have enough to buy what you want.
   I have heard couple times something like "I will only marry for the money" or "I need a sugar daddy" One of  the people at work said that once and while looking at her I thought 'good luck" because there are several smoking hot young chicks out there willing to fight for that money, and she wasn't in any position to even think of it. so if you are a smoking hot guy or girl  trying to buy those shoes... It is ok, probably your goods are good enough to make the transaction...And hopefully you'll stay there for the rest of your life.
   Most of the time you won;t stay there for the rest of your life, you'll get dump. used and sometimes abused, and when that happen and you are ready to settle down and form a family of just have somebody that cares for you (remember that we are talking about you been a smoking hot person) the you know that it is time to turn around and lay your eyes on a beta... yes, the one you didn't give a damn before, the guy that was to busy building his future that never have time to go to those wild parties. Or that other person... you know who am I talking about! I doesn't have to be rich, it could, but what is important about that person is that it will provide you with a stable life, a life with love and consideration... then again, do you have what it takes to get that person?.

   Beta Looking for Alpha

   So you are the one looking to hook up with an Alpha! Well, if you are a woman things can go south very easily just because for males it is not about love but about reproducing and if you are a beta you are going to have a hell of a time keeping your man on the leash. On the other hand, if you are a beta male and you want an alpha female things are a little bit more in your favor. Woman are looking for love too, so if you are a good provider, offer a stable life or have money or are very successful doing something ( an artist, community activist, church pastor etc) and on top of that you love her, then chances are she will be with you forever, probably she will control your life but it doesn't matter because as an beta male that is exactly what you want.
   Going back to our analogy, if you want to buy a pretty item and you have the money... congratulations!, but if you want an item and you want more than you can afford... then all I can say is what Paul the apostle said and I Quote " We must go through much tribulation to enter the kingdom of heaven of God" Acts 14:22

   Next post will be Why I can't find anyone?

Monday, January 30, 2012

Searching for... Marriage or Good time?

The dilemma of choosing an Alpha or a Beta

So, who is who?

A note on the side: Everything I say here I will say it talking like a male (After all I am one), but all the things mentioned here apply the same to male and females.

   It has been discussed so many times what is the definition off an alpha male (or female for that matter) and everybody has something to say about them. They go from they are hot to "They are as holes and everything in between... It is right; they are everything they say about them and more. So to understand them we have to go back to the simplest definition, the one that puts everybody in the animal kingdom.
Way back in the day before the word machismo was invented
  Alpha males and alpha females both were in charge of reproducing and passing the best genes possible for the survival the gang, they were the glue that brought the gang together and took the lead when it was time to bring the food... They were happy with each other and understood their role in the gang. Now the gang has changed. We call it society and the only thing that remains is our sexual attraction to them... the alphas. Nobody escapes to their charms, we all feel attracted to an alpha , we alphas and betas all together.
Back to reality
  So, how do we know who is who? are all the buff guys alpha? Is the captain of the High school football team an alpha male? Are all the popular girls alpha too?
1.      Most alpha comes across as a strong personality.
2.      Tend to have flair of dominance and self confidence
3.      They belong to themselves
4.      They set the rules
Weather they are rich or not, smart or not, buff or not it is irrelevant because to be alpha male means to have a set of personality treats that make you exactly that. It doesn’t have to be super good looking and many times has nothing to do with smartness. It is true that there are some alpha males or females with a very high IQ. Many of them have plowed their way to riches using all the things pertaining to their alpha persona, but most of the time they are so immerse in the things that make an alpha that they have no time to train their brains (and that it will be discussed in another segment). 
So, if the captain of the high school football team is now driving the school bus, that doesn’t make him less attractive to his target audience, and cheerleader now waitressing at the local dinner or  stripping at the strip club,  still carries the same allure to their target audience because all their personality treats are still in them,  their target audience has change its truth, the roles of who they attract now have changed but they are still the same… call it charming or brusque as it applies to you.
           We all have surrender to their charms. We all have wished one of them would look at us, we all thing that she or he will be the perfect parent of our babies we all have been heartbroken by their rejection or by been ignored… Don’t worry, in the next post we are going to learn that in a perfect world and alpha and a beta make a perfect match!