Monday, September 16, 2013

The conumdrum of falling for someone who's married

It is difficult to fall for someone that is in a relationship, either married or just living together. Is not uncommon. many times when you meet a person in those circumstances and the attraction sparks, the relationship of the other person is already broken. She (or he) can denied many time that fact and tell themselves that is not truth, and many times when she thinks about it her instinct makes her turn back at her partner and tell him how much she loves him and start making huge displays of love like posting in Facebook...just to realize short after that she is actually in love with someone else. this in nothing else than a mechanism to defend herself against feelings of anxiety and unacceptable impulses to maintain her own self afloat. many times she will stay in her relationship and live with regrets for long long time, and many other times she will brake up and start over and be happy for as long as it last.

But the point here is not the outcome of this love affair... but how to manage it... or how to survive it, From her part this is how it goes: she sees this guy and feels a very strong attraction right away, try to start a conversation and like always, in that conversation hints at him of her interest. That night goes home and analyze them both and realize that her new finding is way better. the first two weeks thing get just better ans better the flame grows and pretty much they fall in love with each other. Is after that  when all the difficulties start. she starts facing her own demons, she starts questioning whether she still loves her partner, she wonders if the other person really has genuine feelings for her or is just playing. She has no way to know but trust his word and understandably that is a very hard position to be in.

From his stand point of view: He is in love with her but doesn't know ho to make her understand that, from the time of the first conversation he knew she opened a door to her heart but now is getting mix signals... she never have time for him. He wants to go out and do things, but she can't get out of her house and he sees her doing all the things he wants to do with her... with him, They make plans but she never shows up, they talk over texting but other than that the conversation keeps fading away and his anxiety is growing. Is she with me or not? is a constant question and the thought of her sleeping with him  every day makes his heart bleed enraged.
The solution!
The solution to this conundrum seems to rest on the shoulders of the person that is in a relationship. She needs to make up her mind and then send clear signals. They need to have clear conversations about where are they going and what are their expectation in a clear way and talk the truth without hesitation,,, if she feels that her love for this person is getting corresponded then she has to plan an exit of her current relationship... otherwise better stop and go back to her husband or boyfriend before she damages her heart so bad that it would  affect her capacity to love again in the future,

Maybe she needs to now that she is the firt person to be in a situation like this one. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PERSON THAT THEY DON'T LOVE and very few of them eventually find the right person like she has... most of them stay in that relationship and live miserable lives for years and when finally gets out of that relationship the person she felt in love with is gone. Some other ones find a great person to love but they don't have the courage to get out of their current one and they too live a miserable life or years,,, a few ones find true love and brake up their current relationship to  live a new adventure and be happy for long time...
If you are in one of this situations... ITS UP TO YOU TO STEER YOUR FUTURE, íf you found the right person don't waste your chances and take your chances for happiness!... before is to late and he's gone!... maybe you need to understand that life is like a game of basketball... if you drop the ball, another player is right there to pick it up and score!

Monday, September 2, 2013

I Love You!... Does it mean anything?

I'll start by saying NO! now let me elaborate.

Much had been said about the different kinds of love : Storge, Fileo, Eros and the ultimate AGAPE. So when someone tells you "Ï Love You" most likely it would be talking about one of them. The question is, which one would the person be meaning? Most likely none.

The word love has become of such simple use that any meaning it used to have lays now on its definition. so the meaning of love belongs to a dictionary and not to real life anymore. I woman tells me "I Love You"and to me doesn't have more meaning that when the bartender asks me if I want another drink and I say "I would love it" You see where I'm going? we say I love you when dropping the kids at the school bus, and we say I love your shoes or I love your hair.And we never question if that mean anything because we know it doesn't,

when a man and a woman start getting acquainted or flirting or going out, there is always the stigma of when to say "I love you" for the first time because it is tabu. You don't want the other person to think that you have fallen in love and  in doing so you miss the opportunity to establish a connection. If someone tells you I love you, it doesn't mean he or she is in love, it just means the it wants to see you again. it means that wants you to know that you both are flirting and that it's been a lot of fun. it means that this time he or she one something more that to fuck each other but that maybe you can go to a movie too or walk by the zoo. it means that maybe you can stop seen each other at the bar and start doing fun things together... it means all that. Doesn't mean the he or she cannot live without you or the she or he wants to marry you.

As you can see, the words "I Love You"mean very little. So if a woman tells me I love you to me is not different than if she says "Hi"or "Goodnight", I don't take it personal and i recognize that she is just opening the door for me so we can have fun together.

To me, the secret of knowing is somebody is telling me "I Love You"is LISTENING WHEN SHE IS NOT TALKING, This is an art that take time and experience to develop. It takes to read all the signs, the body language to fell the sentiment of the situation, So let's say a girl sends me a link of her favorite son. The fact of sending the song or the lirics of the song don't mean anything, maybe I really didn't liked the song, but the fact that she thought of sharing something personal with me, the time she spent looking for that song tells me that she is felling love for me.
I wrote a poem for a girl and she text me "OMG! You almost make me fall in love with you" the part that hold any meaning was "omg!" the rest was meaningless.Love can't be said it can only be expressed and the other person has to be able to feel it without any words in beetwen. So if you want the other person to know that you lover her or him, do things that express you love, don't sayit. In the same token, if you want if the other person loves you, don ask because you my get an answer that you might not like, inted read all the signs, all the things that she or he won't say but is expressing to you trough the thing she does.

 When I say that to find out if the other person is feeling love "listening when she or he is not talking" I think of the things the fox told the little prince... but specially this one:

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

Remember this words and you will learn how to hear love and to say it without any words... now go and say "I Love You"as many times as you please  without any wories.