Sunday, October 21, 2012

First date... Don't put your foot in your mouth!

One of the most difficult tings about a first is establishing a conversation that sparks the interest for both parties. Most of the time when you go in a first date your instinct tells you to talk about something that "you think is going to make you look interesting", but most of the time it won't... chances are it'll make you look. cocky  annoying, boring or stupid. Occasionally the other person can fake interest but don't get fooled by her attention to whatever you are talking about, she will be locking at you but thinking how to get the hell out.

I'll say that the best way to go is talking about something that it may be interesting for both of you. For instance you can make a comment about the place or venue where you decided to meet,  the food,  or music. A comment like that can spark an answer and from there you just have to pull the conversation. Eventuality you will say something about your personal life because that is something that is inevitable. Si it is alright to to say something about you're own persona because after all you are there to get to know each other. So, if you say "there is a person at work that... etc" chances are she or he is going to ask "what do you do? ". It is correct to say what the company you work for does or what kind of professional work you do,  but try not to get to deep into that, avoid making your conversation a job interview. You can say " I am a lawyer or I work for GM or I am in construction and that's it. Don't elaborate, keep it short and simple, give her or him a taste of  that part of your but live the rest for a better occasion. Eventually, over time and contact with each other you are going to know those details.
There is a big reward in getting out of your comfort zone. It is advisable that both get out of the comfort zone! If you do that you'll be able to show the real you,  without pretensions and perceive the other person the same way. It is natural to humans to pretend something they are not or try to make look themselves bigger than they really are. So,  a neutral place will give honesty to your date,  and honesty is a good place to start.
We all have skeletons in the closet, so, live them there. don't bring to conversation anything you don feel comfortable elaborating about. Keeping things for yourself doesn't make you a liar, eventually everything will come out but at the appropriate time. Now, kissing or having sex on first date is a matter of perception, but in suggesting it eighty percent of the time you will end up with your foot inside of your mouth, and ninety percent of the time there is not cumming out of that situation, Chances are it won be a second date.

             So, I followed all those rules when I went out on a date couple weeks ago.  I met a person I really like and found interesting and attractive. We went out for dinner and basically it was an introductory conversation since neither one of us knew anything of the other. Like in most first dates you can cover only so much of the field but that's is fine since it leaves you hungry for more.
After coming back home I sent her a brief text to establish the ground for a second date. Next day she called me... great conversation. Next day she didn't call me but we exchange couple text messages... all good. Next day a decided to call her. She didn't answer but sent me a text saying that it was in a class at school and she call me right after her class on her way home.

It was then that it clicked in my head that she works, goes to school and has a family while me on the other hand work a full time work but other than that I am a free man. Don't take me wrong, I do a lot of things like computer programming, oil painting and writing and blogging, but I decide how organize my time. She on the other hand has to stick to a schedule that it is decided by others.
So, when she call back, after a long conversation before saying goodnight I say "Listen! I understand you are very busy and I don't want to call you when you have things to do... would it be better if you call me when you have time?" She said "yes"... I knew, the moment I put the phone down that I have put my foot in my mouth. I realized that what I wanted to say came out completely wrong and there was a need o a major fixing.
Next day she didn't call and when I sent her a text her reply was something like "ok". The they after I text her asking her if she could call me and her answer was "No, is ok" then I knew it was over. That somehow I managed to kill my chance  if any. Needless to say that she didn't call back.

   Should she had call me back I would have said:
    last night when we talked I said something that came out the wrong way. I didn't meant to say 'if you don't have time for dating it'll be another time'. What I meant to say was that I understand you don't have much time to spare and I can work around those corners as long as you really give the time you have available' I would have say "I am really interested in getting to know you but I don't want to be a nuisance by getting into you life like that' That all I wanted to do was sound supportive of whatever she was doing and that I was very glad we met... But I didn't have the chance since she never call.

So, be very careful. weigh every word you say, every gesture... because once you put your foot in your mouth there is not pulling it out.

l'll finish with a poem by a Mexican author who I don't remember:

                       Dicen que el amor
                          Tiene altas y bajas
                           Ayer te vi pasar con una alta....
                                                                  Ya entendi